Swirling


In the past couple weeks I have had friends come to me with troubles that they are having because of their dating decisions. I also have received a lot of static from people, especially relatives, because of the same reasons. Why is interracial dating such a problem in society? In case you are highly unaware and exist in a utopia without prejudice the “race problem” is still prevalent in society.
For me, I just have never thought about someone’s ethnicity when I thought about dating them. It is just a ridiculous prejudice to have. I was raised to believe that people are people. Cultures might clash but the core dynamic between males and females is the same. I need all the help I can get. Why would I limit my potential dating pool based on a superficial trait? Is attraction color blind or does it play a factor? I know some people who do have a preference based on ethnicity. A friend told me that he dated Hispanic women because “They have those hips and that fat ass!” I have heard similar characteristics about African-American women. Supposedly people can distinguish different ethnicities based on the smell of their skin, which supposedly differs. I always thought that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are beautiful people of all ethnic backgrounds and it is natural to be attracted to it. Part of the problem is that people start believing stereotypes and that is where prejudice is born.
There are problems that do exist in interracial relationships, this is true. Sometimes there are cultural differences that do arise when two people meet and try to create a romantic relationship. Sometimes these differences are major, like religious background and political beliefs, and sometimes these differences are minor, like restaurant preference. The biggest factor in creating friction are outsiders in the relationship. In my case, some members of my family are definitely NOT in favor when I date someone outside of my race. This past Easter I was verbally molested by my “well-meaning” grandmother and aunt. I will give you an excerpt of the conversation

Grandmother: Duane, you still dating them crackers?

Me: What?!

Aunt: What’s wrong with the sistahs?

Me: Nothing. I just haven’t found one that likes me.

Grandmother: Awww bullstank! You ain’t looking hard enough. All you’ve ever dated is dem white girls.

Me: That’s not true. I’ve dated black girls before. I don’t look at race, you do.

Grandmother: Well not nearly enough. I ain’t going to no white wedding.

Me: Even if I love the person?

Grandmother and Aunt: Hell no!

Me: People are people. Basically we are all the same. Same fears, same joys, pains. All the b.s. is the same.

Grandmother: It don’t matter about love. She would eventually be accepted by us. But your black butt would never be accepted by her people. Don’t matter what you do! And that is the truth Ruth!

Me: How do you know?

Grandmother: I have seen it. What is worse is the kids. What about your kids? What will they be? They won’t be accepted by either side and will end up being lost. That is why it is better to stick with your own people.

Dad: Mama, black women can break his heart as easily as a white women. All of you are crazy!!

Needless to say, the assault didn’t exactly correspond with the religious theme for the day. Or maybe my persecution did correspond with Easter……………….? I have tried explaining that I date people based on how they treat me. I think that is how most people rationalize their options. If someone can genuinely care for you, make you laugh, and make you feel special that is all you can really ask for. Ethnicity should never enter the equation. It is difficult to try to fight an unending battle to justify a relationship to the world. Why should someone have to justify their heart? No one should ever have to. It is asinine and juvenile to question someone because of their racial background., but the simple truth is that there is a contingency of people who cannot see past the amount of melanin in someone’s skin. Maybe my problem is that I never identified myself based on my ethnicity. I don’t see myself as a black man, just a man. Being African-American has impacted my view on the world and the way that some people perceive me. If my skin color is the only thing that people see when they look at me, then they will never really be able to see me.
Is there a cure for the common sickness of ignorance? The remedy is patience and a willingness to think. My grandmother called me a “black Jew” because I “talk like a white boy”. I have tried explaining to my grandmother that I don’t know how to appease her because I kind of like who I am and don’t think that I could sound like DMX overnight. People cannot force a change in someone’s thought process. I just pray that people who see interracial dating as an abomination can realize that race doesn’t act as the tie that binds. Attraction is attraction. All people can do is try to love the best they can. Remember that the relationship is a dichotomy and outside opinions are inconsequential.

Love Jones



Someone once said that breaking up is hard to do. I never thought about it because I always figured that the finality of something is easier than creating something. Moreover, I wondered how does someone fall out of love. How is that possible? Love is supposed to be this eternal entity, capable of transcending time, space, and all other barriers. How can that feeling change? Maybe the answer lies in the question. Love is just a feeling, and feelings can change. People are by design mercurial. I just never figured how people can move on so quickly after a relationship has ended.
To examine this phenomenon of love lost maybe it is better to start at the beginning of a relationship. To me, this is always the best part. Everything feels so fresh and new. Your beloved is almost an obsession. You think about them constantly and you enjoy doing it. Their touch, their taste, their laugh, their scent. What is crazy is that even the trivial things become amazing. Idiosyncrasies are often bastardized as being “weird” and without merit but those are the things that make people unique and what endears us without our own awareness. Where does infatuation end and love begin? That is such a loaded question that I am almost damning myself by thinking I have the capacity to answer it but I will try.
To me, love is more than just a feeling. It is a vow, a solemn promise and a bond that is sacred. I know people that do use the word and throw it around as if it is just part of their lexicon. I pity those people. Artificial intimacy is a façade that corrupts many and disillusions even more. I always thought love was evident when you cared more about someone than you do about yourself and their well-being and happiness was a central part of your core. A man told me once, “Love is an intellectual matter. Physical attraction should only be a fragment of one’s desire.” I believe that. Don’t get me wrong, having a good body is a bonus and one has to be turned on to capture the interest. Beauty is so subjective that I don’t think that it is fair to judge someone based on it. There aren’t many George Clooney’s and Denzel Washington’s. There aren’t many Tina Turner’s either. I think that love can almost create a Shallow Hal effect. I don’t mean that every obese woman becomes desirable but that sometimes you see things in that person that maybe others can’t.
We now come to the root of the root, where does trouble arise from? I think that it has varied sources but one in general. The most detrimental factor in relationships that I have seen is fear. I know for me I am terrified when I am in an actual real relationship. Why am I scared? 1. I don’t want to fuck things up, 2. I question myself a lot and sometimes wonder if it is a fantasy because I wonder how someone could love me, 3. I wonder if the object of my affection is genuine or not. I hope that I am not the only person who dissolves into a neurotic mess when the opposite sex enters their life. Fear is so detrimental because it inhibits everything that relationships survive on: affection, clarity, and respect. As much as people want to find love, it is a pretty frightening concept. Falling in love should be the best time in one’s life, but with that joy comes the realization that there is a sacrifice that must be made to enable this love to exist. That sacrifice is intimacy. To be truly intimate with someone means that you have to let down your defenses and be honest about yourself. Sometimes it is hard to hear the whole truth about yourself. It’s even harder to realize that you have something to lose. The line “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Whoever said it has obviously never lost because if they had they wouldn’t say such a thing.
I now realize that there are different forms of love. There is “love” “luv” and “in love”. Love is a passion for something or someone. For example, I love football. I really do. I have a passion for the game, the rules, the physicality, the essence of the sport, and the way it brings a community together. Luv is something that you can feel for someone that is on the verge of being in love. Being on the precipice of love is still not the same as being in love. You can luv someone and have a passion for that person, but there is still something that is not there that makes you not be in love with that person. Sometimes the deficiency is something that just has not yet developed and will with time and sometimes there is a variable in the equation that will be forever unknown. Being in love requires a sacrifice and willingness that luv just cannot guarantee.
Maybe the simple truth is that all love ends. Whether by death, divorce, or disagreement the bliss that love creates will eventually subside. Despite this fact, people are compelled to seek out “the other” or at least be open to the idea of a mate. It’s like my guy said in Little Manhattan , "Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake."I tried to come up with a metaphor to describe love. The human heart can be seen as a piece of clay and each relationship molds and manipulates it. It can be bent, be flattened, and even be broken. To those who think that the loss of love is unfair and unjustified, it is. It is not fair to go through the pain of separating from someone you care for. The best advice I can give is to rest assured that the sun will rise once again. Every girl I have ever dated, no matter how brief the relationship, has had an impact on me. I don’t think I can forget any of them, nor do I really want to. They are imprinted forever on the map of my heart.