Ruggapolooza




This past weekend I ventured on to the rugby fields to engage in immortal battle with the powers that be. That sounds nice and pretentious but actually I played in a rugby tournament held at SIU by the women's rugby team. For those that cannot conceptualize rugby, or who have only seen it on Fox Sports World, the best way to describe it is as football without all the padding. Imagine you are at the top of a rugged mountain. Now jump off, head first, taking all the abuse of the natural terrain, and you might be able to imagine what rugby feels like. I played as an undergrad at U of I for four years. I was looking for something to keep me active and engage me in the university and rugby provided that service. I have decided to continue playing even though I'm no longer a student. I just find a great sense of fulfillment for competing and imposing my will over the will of another.
I played for SIU's 'A' side, which is like the first-team varsity. I play a position called prop, which is designated for large, strong people. Its physically demanding and is not appreciated as much as it should be. Rugby is divided between two groups, the pack and the backs. The pack are the big guys and the backs are generally smaller and faster and do more of the attack-based play.
In the first game, we played St. Louis University. We won the match, but it was sloppy. I had a good game, but definitely could have played better. I dropped a pass by the goal line and that really made me mad. It was a extremely hot day and my lack of conditioning didn't help the matter. I'm in OK shape for a big guy, but I have a lot of room to improve.
The second game, which was played about 30 minutes after the first game, had SIU against the Memphis Blues, which is a men's club based out of Memphis, TN. It was a good, tight game. One of Memphis's players stomped me in the chest after I got tackled. It kind of hurt but I kept on playing. We won the game at the last second with a goal line stand. I was spent after the game. We were to play one more game, but I just felt totally exhausted. The rest of the team looked tired as well, I think we all were just ready for the day to be over.
The last game was against the Kofield Scorpions, which is a team based out of Cape Girardou, MO. They beat us in the championship. I know I didn't play well. I felt like stir-fried shit and could barely pick myself up half the time. I just felt empty. Its a weird feeling to know what to do, and how to do it, but not have your body respond in the correct fashion. We didn't get humiliated but we definitely lost the game.
After the game I went to my apartment to shower and take an assessment of my injuries. I felt pretty banged up. My elbows were sore, my knees throbbed, my neck felt as stiff as Ron Jeremy back in the day, and I had blood blisters on my feet the size of Texas. I sat on my bed after my shower for at least an hour and a half before I even attempted to move. My body still hurts, and it is several days afterwards. I made sure to stop at Walgreen's and pick up some Advil, which is an essential for every rugby player. I pop about 1000mg per dose. I know its not healthy but I feel a hell of a lot better after I take it. Every athlete knows the feeling. After competing, waking up in the morning, barely able to walk, struggling to find some sense of your athletic self and separate the pain. Most people, including my parents, would often ask "Why do it? Why push yourself? You're not on scholarship. Why deal with all that pain?" To answer that question I'll borrow from Vince Lomboardi. There is no greater sensation on this planet than lying on the field of battle, totally exhausted and battered, and know that you are victorious.
After I collected my thoughts and some sense of normalcy out of the pain, I went to a bar where the party was being thrown for the tournament. It was mostly a girls tournament, like14 girls teams were there and only 6 guys teams. The odds for hooking up were pretty good, despite the overwhelming lesbian factor which is pretty obvious. I didn't plan on hooking up because, sadly I just don't do it that often. I had a pretty good time though. Met some old friends from U of I and a couple from varying schools that I had competed against through the years.
I did run into some interesting characters. I met a girl from Illinois State University. She had on a "suck for a buck" t-shirt. For those that don't know, girls (generally at bachelorette parties) create these shirts and attach life saver candies to them. The object is to get a man or woman to pay them a dollar for the "priviledge" of sucking them off of the t-shirt. The candies are distributed all around the female torso and I suppose the opportunity to suck from a risky locale is intoxicating to some men. I'm not going to lie, I have done it before, but I just was not in the mood that night. Plus I felt sorry for the girl prostituting herself out. The girl was like, "Suck for a buck?" I said, "I'm sorry hun, but I really don't want to suck life savers off of your body. The girl actually got offended and was like, "My only purpose is to fund raise for ISU rugby." When she said that I could suck from "down there" I could have guessed that her moral fiber wasn't too strong. But rest assured she said she was shaved and actually proved it. But she was a freshman and I didn't feel like dealing with the trivial bullshit. I might be a bastard but I'm not a fucking bastard.
I met another old acquaintance that night. I'll just refer to her as "Nipples". I met her a while ago. I was at a bar with some friends and she came in with a friend of hers and we shot the shit. I could tell she was interested and she could tell I was digging her as well. She was like, "Both of my nipples are pierced. Wanna see?" Mentally I was thinking , "Jackpot baby!!!" She showed me and then we talked and made out for like a minute. Then she starts talking shit about what she's going to do to me and she is a sex fiend and no man can keep up with her sex drive. I was loving it because I thought I had run into a Karma Sutra expert. But to my surprise, her live-in boyfriend shows up like a half hour later. I felt slightly used and dirty. I'm not going to mow another man's field. I have explicit rules about cheating. I don't do it and I refuse to be a willing participant in a cheating experiment. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. Her boyfriend did resemble a mixture of Deputy Doofy and Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. But no bastard, no matter how goofy, deserves that shit. She said, "Don't hate me." I didn't hate her. I felt sorry for her boyfriend. I've been that guy, maybe not as pathetic, but I've been there. I bailed and left. I hadn't seen her since that night, until this past Saturday. She still flirted with me but I asked how her boyfriend was doing. He was behind her. She gave me a bullshit line of saying "I have a tough time with temptation." That's code for I am a whore with a penchant for anonymous penis. But its like Ludacris says, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife, ho's don't act right."

The Magic of Movies


I guess it is about time I start to discuss one of my true passions. I love film. Consider this my love letter to film. I suppose what I like the most about film and going to the movies is the aspect of escapism. I like the fact that no matter how fucked up life gets, you can suspend your disbelief for two hours and become part of an existence that is far from your own. Movies are intended to be seen in a theater. I like old school theaters. There is one in my hometown called The Lincoln. It is pretty sweet. Most of the theaters I have been to have no sense of grandeur or present a spectacle for the audience. Films are entertainment and I believe that when they are presented in a way that is entertaining and genuinely catches the interest of the audience they will be successful. This year has been really dismal in terms of film, both financially and artistically. Part of the reason I think that said decline has occurred is because screenwriters have become increasingly lazy and the general public does not want to remain complacent in the constant regurgitation of dick and fart jokes.
When I was younger I remember being amazed by film. In the 1980s there were several movies that every kid saw and idolized. Labyrinth, The Neverending Story, A Christmas Story, Santa Claus: The Movie, and, of course, Transformers: The Movie. None of these movies were Academy Award contenders but they had a quality that made them instant classics. They created a world which was tangible to its directed audience and a world that was universal. When I went to the movies as a kid, I remember seeing the audience and the way they were just mesmorized by the images they saw projected on the silver screen. I always liked the way that the audience would create this artificial community that came together to exist and evaluate the story being told. One thing about the previously mentioned movies is that they all had great stories. Most plot lines now are as thin as the actresses cast in the films.
There are moments that occur in film that resonate in my mind and just make the entire experience so enjoyable for me. When I saw The Shawshank Redemption, I remember being in the theater and there were only about 10 other people in the theater with me (the film was not a big domestic success), but it was the first time I remember seeing someone stand up and cheer at the end of a movie. Morgan Freeman's haunting narration coupled with the superb acting culminated in a movie that inspired hope in the uninspired and transcended itself. I also remember seeing There's Something About Mary and witnessing the birth of the gross out comedy. The Farelly brothers made Kingpin earlier, but it bombed at the box office. Its unfortunate that it did because it is by far THE most underrated comedy of all time. There's Something About Mary was ultimately successful because it had a pretty sentimental story behind all the perversion and obscenity. Its the same formula that has always worked: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy looses girl, girl realizes that the "nice guy" is actually the right guy, they find each other and live happily ever after. If you don't believe this formula works please examine Shrek, Serendipity, The Wedding Planner, Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama, The Notebook, Romancing the Stone, Pretty Woman, and every Meg Ryan romantic comedy ever made.
Film is the ultimate medium. It has the capacity to transcend all the trivial boundaries that society places on itself. When used correctly, film can awaken the social consciousness. I remember when Do The Right Thing, Boyz in The Hood, and Higher Learning came out. They all touched on race relations at a time when American was trying to deceive itself into believing that race was not an issue. The truth is that our very nature as human beings creates a natural inequality amongst ourselves. What is equal? I'm 6'4, large black man. Not every person fits that description. What the previously mentioned films did was demonstrate the nature of man in contemporary society and demonstrate how existence, particularly the existence of African-Americans has not progressed as far as we like to believe in the 20th century. When I saw Do the Right Thing and saw Rosie Perez dancing to Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" my social consciousness first awoke. As a child, you don't want to differentiate yourself from your friends. Most of my friends were Caucasian, but after seeing the way the way the world worked and the social stigmas associated with being a black male I began to question my own existence in juxtaposition with my station in life. The singular best film about race and the nature of racism in my opinion is American History X which dissected the essentials of racism and has such visceral imagery that whoever watches the film walks away forever changed. Edward Norton's performance was both powerful and pathetic. His corruption and initiation into the Neo Nazi movement and eventual enlightenment just created a real sense of consequence and induced a desire to examine the human psyche and how it can be augmented in order to justify an ideal, no matter how ridiculous and damaging it may be.

The Physical


I went in this week to get my physical for my job. Being an educator, I am required to do the standard bullshit (fingerprints, background test, bloodborne pathogen exam). I just assumed that the physical would be standard. I just figured I would walk in get my blood pressure, weight, and I'd be out. I now know what happens when you assume. I definitely made an ass of myself and possibly the nurse as well. Well first thing I had to do was take a urine test, which is emasculating move #1, after I relieved myself in the plastic cup like a good little boy I waited until the nurse was ready to see me. The physical didn't start out too bad. She checked my eyes and ears. But then the shitstorm really started. She made me walk in all different positions because I am flat footed. I didn't understand the rationale behind said actions but I played along. Then she checked my reflexes which are apparently fucked up beyond all recognition. She hit me with the little hammer, but apparently I reacted in the wrong way. So my feet and reflexes are both messed up. Then we get to the fun stuff. She asks me to unbutton my pants. At that moment I suddenly felt myself just sink within myself and mentally moan "Fuck!". She then started feeling around my junk for God knows what. Then it happened. The nurse asked me, "Do you check your testicles?" I was like, "Sweet Jesus!" Then she told me about Lance Armstrong and how it is necessary for men to regularly check their testicles for cancer. She then said " Please take down your pants and I'm going to check your testicles." There are few moments in life when I can truly say I have felt uncomfortable, but THAT day was one of them. I really don't like taking off my clothes in public. I am a strong believer in the Drew Carrey philosophy of body image. Mr. Carrey elegantly said, "If you don't have a good body, cover it the fuck up!" And that is why I keep my rolls and stretch marks under wraps. I don't think there is anything wrong with some confidence, but I don't want to be one of those big people who thinks their shit doesn't stink and wears a article of clothing that, from a pure physics basis, is not supposed to be worn by a "plus-size" person. When this lady told me to drop my pants and she commenced to grab me by the holiest of holies I just thought in my mind, "Whoever invented the hernia test is a real sick fuck!" Then I got the "Turn your head and cough routine and I obliged my coughing up a lung or two. I salvaged what was left of my ego and pride and took the TB skin test. The experience redefined my interpretation of a comprehensive physical. Those people were not bullshiting. The moral of this little story is that there are some things in life that should be filed under the "never to be uttered to my future children" file. This was definitely one of those days. What really bothered me was that the nurse got all that action and didn't even bother to buy me dinner .