Love Jones



Someone once said that breaking up is hard to do. I never thought about it because I always figured that the finality of something is easier than creating something. Moreover, I wondered how does someone fall out of love. How is that possible? Love is supposed to be this eternal entity, capable of transcending time, space, and all other barriers. How can that feeling change? Maybe the answer lies in the question. Love is just a feeling, and feelings can change. People are by design mercurial. I just never figured how people can move on so quickly after a relationship has ended.
To examine this phenomenon of love lost maybe it is better to start at the beginning of a relationship. To me, this is always the best part. Everything feels so fresh and new. Your beloved is almost an obsession. You think about them constantly and you enjoy doing it. Their touch, their taste, their laugh, their scent. What is crazy is that even the trivial things become amazing. Idiosyncrasies are often bastardized as being “weird” and without merit but those are the things that make people unique and what endears us without our own awareness. Where does infatuation end and love begin? That is such a loaded question that I am almost damning myself by thinking I have the capacity to answer it but I will try.
To me, love is more than just a feeling. It is a vow, a solemn promise and a bond that is sacred. I know people that do use the word and throw it around as if it is just part of their lexicon. I pity those people. Artificial intimacy is a façade that corrupts many and disillusions even more. I always thought love was evident when you cared more about someone than you do about yourself and their well-being and happiness was a central part of your core. A man told me once, “Love is an intellectual matter. Physical attraction should only be a fragment of one’s desire.” I believe that. Don’t get me wrong, having a good body is a bonus and one has to be turned on to capture the interest. Beauty is so subjective that I don’t think that it is fair to judge someone based on it. There aren’t many George Clooney’s and Denzel Washington’s. There aren’t many Tina Turner’s either. I think that love can almost create a Shallow Hal effect. I don’t mean that every obese woman becomes desirable but that sometimes you see things in that person that maybe others can’t.
We now come to the root of the root, where does trouble arise from? I think that it has varied sources but one in general. The most detrimental factor in relationships that I have seen is fear. I know for me I am terrified when I am in an actual real relationship. Why am I scared? 1. I don’t want to fuck things up, 2. I question myself a lot and sometimes wonder if it is a fantasy because I wonder how someone could love me, 3. I wonder if the object of my affection is genuine or not. I hope that I am not the only person who dissolves into a neurotic mess when the opposite sex enters their life. Fear is so detrimental because it inhibits everything that relationships survive on: affection, clarity, and respect. As much as people want to find love, it is a pretty frightening concept. Falling in love should be the best time in one’s life, but with that joy comes the realization that there is a sacrifice that must be made to enable this love to exist. That sacrifice is intimacy. To be truly intimate with someone means that you have to let down your defenses and be honest about yourself. Sometimes it is hard to hear the whole truth about yourself. It’s even harder to realize that you have something to lose. The line “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Whoever said it has obviously never lost because if they had they wouldn’t say such a thing.
I now realize that there are different forms of love. There is “love” “luv” and “in love”. Love is a passion for something or someone. For example, I love football. I really do. I have a passion for the game, the rules, the physicality, the essence of the sport, and the way it brings a community together. Luv is something that you can feel for someone that is on the verge of being in love. Being on the precipice of love is still not the same as being in love. You can luv someone and have a passion for that person, but there is still something that is not there that makes you not be in love with that person. Sometimes the deficiency is something that just has not yet developed and will with time and sometimes there is a variable in the equation that will be forever unknown. Being in love requires a sacrifice and willingness that luv just cannot guarantee.
Maybe the simple truth is that all love ends. Whether by death, divorce, or disagreement the bliss that love creates will eventually subside. Despite this fact, people are compelled to seek out “the other” or at least be open to the idea of a mate. It’s like my guy said in Little Manhattan , "Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake."I tried to come up with a metaphor to describe love. The human heart can be seen as a piece of clay and each relationship molds and manipulates it. It can be bent, be flattened, and even be broken. To those who think that the loss of love is unfair and unjustified, it is. It is not fair to go through the pain of separating from someone you care for. The best advice I can give is to rest assured that the sun will rise once again. Every girl I have ever dated, no matter how brief the relationship, has had an impact on me. I don’t think I can forget any of them, nor do I really want to. They are imprinted forever on the map of my heart.