The Physical


I went in this week to get my physical for my job. Being an educator, I am required to do the standard bullshit (fingerprints, background test, bloodborne pathogen exam). I just assumed that the physical would be standard. I just figured I would walk in get my blood pressure, weight, and I'd be out. I now know what happens when you assume. I definitely made an ass of myself and possibly the nurse as well. Well first thing I had to do was take a urine test, which is emasculating move #1, after I relieved myself in the plastic cup like a good little boy I waited until the nurse was ready to see me. The physical didn't start out too bad. She checked my eyes and ears. But then the shitstorm really started. She made me walk in all different positions because I am flat footed. I didn't understand the rationale behind said actions but I played along. Then she checked my reflexes which are apparently fucked up beyond all recognition. She hit me with the little hammer, but apparently I reacted in the wrong way. So my feet and reflexes are both messed up. Then we get to the fun stuff. She asks me to unbutton my pants. At that moment I suddenly felt myself just sink within myself and mentally moan "Fuck!". She then started feeling around my junk for God knows what. Then it happened. The nurse asked me, "Do you check your testicles?" I was like, "Sweet Jesus!" Then she told me about Lance Armstrong and how it is necessary for men to regularly check their testicles for cancer. She then said " Please take down your pants and I'm going to check your testicles." There are few moments in life when I can truly say I have felt uncomfortable, but THAT day was one of them. I really don't like taking off my clothes in public. I am a strong believer in the Drew Carrey philosophy of body image. Mr. Carrey elegantly said, "If you don't have a good body, cover it the fuck up!" And that is why I keep my rolls and stretch marks under wraps. I don't think there is anything wrong with some confidence, but I don't want to be one of those big people who thinks their shit doesn't stink and wears a article of clothing that, from a pure physics basis, is not supposed to be worn by a "plus-size" person. When this lady told me to drop my pants and she commenced to grab me by the holiest of holies I just thought in my mind, "Whoever invented the hernia test is a real sick fuck!" Then I got the "Turn your head and cough routine and I obliged my coughing up a lung or two. I salvaged what was left of my ego and pride and took the TB skin test. The experience redefined my interpretation of a comprehensive physical. Those people were not bullshiting. The moral of this little story is that there are some things in life that should be filed under the "never to be uttered to my future children" file. This was definitely one of those days. What really bothered me was that the nurse got all that action and didn't even bother to buy me dinner .